The Dog Parkist: What Exactly Is the Problem?

Q: I just love the Dog Park! In fact, I can't get enough of it. I'm there morning and night. And even when my dogs are tired of walking, I won't let them go home. I make them lie around on the grass while I chat with other people and pet other dogs. Is there something wrong with me? Is my life somehow incomplete? Is there something I can give my dogs that will make them share my passion for Dog Park?

—All Dog Park, All the Time

A: My dear ADPATT, the Dog Parkist fails to see your problem. In fact, she suspects that you are trying to manipulate her into telling you to get a life. In truth, she cannot but think that you have got a pretty sweet deal this time around on the karmic wheel, and you know it. Clearly, you have the financial means to spend your days bumming around an unused urban alottment, and you have the cheerful demeanor and mild temperament that makes you feel attracted to both people and dogs. Lucky you! If they reciprocate your interest and attention, then you have pretty much got life making you lemonade. So, please, don't whine.

If you are truly worried about your dogs, you might consider getting more and then taking them to Dog Park in shifts. Or, better yet, offer to escort your neighbors' dogs to Park. There are several dogs in the Dog Parkist's neighborhood who languish for lack of daily exercise and stimulation. Imagine the difference you could make in their lives.

If, however, all you want is validation, then by all means spend each and every day at Dog Park. Pack a lunch (but please do eat it in your car) and bring a book. But the DP-ist must insist that you not overtax your animals. Leave them at home or take them to doggie day care rather than cause them suffer from overexposure to heat, dust, and your vibrant personality. Have a lovely day!

Q: Why does the sign say "No Barking Under Trees"? Shouldn't it say "No Parking Under Trees"? —Noticed Your Sign

A: Friend, please avail yourself of the services of an opthamologist near you. Please do not drive yourself or operate heavy machinery on the way. Good luck!

Q: Why does the sign say "No Parking Under Trees"? What happens if we park under the trees?—Idle Questioner

A: Dear I.Q.—how inaptly you are named—, the oceans will boil, the human race will be cast asunder, and life on this planet will end. In addition, the weight of your vehicle will crush the tiny rootlets that conduct water and sustenance to the tree, thereby killing it. Parking = death. The Dog Parkist can't make the equation any simpler. Thanks for writing!

-z