Dear readers, welcome to the inauguration of the Flaming Poo Bag Award. This humble award, also known as the Flammy, is awarded to cretins and morons who impose on the dog-owning community in distinct and unique ways. Here are some potential nominees:
- the neighbor to whom I returned two loose, rambunctious dogs in the pouring rain on a Sunday and who did not say thank you;
- the neighbor, whose response to finding dog poop in her yard was to pile the turds on the sidewalk, draw chalk circles around each desiccated load, and write in big capital letters, "I don't shit in your yard, so don't let your dog shit in mine";
- the guy at Dog Park who, after his dog bit another dog, told the other dog's owner, "I never liked you anyway";
- the woman at Dog Park who nags others to pick up their dog's poop but does not always attend to her own dogs' leavings.
Where, you might ask, is Crazy Guy? Why is he not on the list? Because, my friends, he wins the Flaming Poo Bag Lifetime Achievement Award for his insane dedication to protecting the drivers on 45th Street by harassing solitary women and their dogs in a field that abuts his house. Extra kudos for posting warning signs with misspelled words and for threatening to shoot dogs with "his piece." That dude deserves a real flaming poo bag on his porch every day of his life. Also, on his fancy German sedan. Also, on his motorcycle.
For those of you who would like to suggest other nominees, please click the comments button below or write directly to this blogger at email@example.com. I will create a poll in the side margin of the blog, and readers may vote for themselves. Think seriously about your nominees. After all, we want the Flammy to go to the most deserving offender of Dog Park mores and manners.