Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Dog Parkist: Crazy Guy Speaks

Q: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the guy that lives in the last house along the 45th Street side of the so-called "dog park." Perhaps you've seen my signs. They say that the "dog park" is not a "dog park." Because it's not. I'd like everyone to know that since moving into my house, I've scraped 12--no, 20,--no 12--dead dogs off of 45th Street. I'm just so gosh-darned tired of having to call those sorority girls to tell them that their dogs are dead, all 12-20 of them. I'd just like you "people" to know that you and your dogs pose a danger to everybody else. Everybody else. You're ruining everything with your off-leashness and your indifference to humanity. Haven't  you heard about the head-on collision that took place in front of my house that may or may not have been caused by a dog? I simply don't understand why you can't be more professional. I just wish you'd let one of  your dogs bite me where we could see it on the video surveillance. Then we go to court and settle this "thing" once and for all. Because no court in the world would convict me! Hey, don't you think that's a good "idea"? 
—Crazy Guy from 45th Street
P.S. Maximum, maximun. You know what the sign means, law breakers. I may not be able to spell, but I don't go around scoffing the law by driving motorized vehicles or drinking from open containers  on state property. And even if I do, it's because I have MAXIMUN RESPEKT for THE LAW. 

A: My dear Crazy Guy, you are far too modest. You are not crazy at all; you are certifiably insane. Even if your argument made the least bit of sense or had the least bit of legal viability, the very fact that you and your thuggish, beer-swilling friends consistently target and threaten women walking alone with their dogs shows that you lack all breeding and intelligence. Indeed, you lack even a grain of human decency or a thread of moral fiber. You are a cad, an oaf, and a moron. The Dog Parkist does not like to speak so plainly, but you deserve not one iota of respect from her or from the hard-working, pleasant, socially responsible people who wish to walk their dogs undisturbed on a patch of land that only narrowly borders your property. So crawl back under the Shoal Creek bridge where you belong, you troll, and think about your disgraceful actions and  your despicable behavior. No salutation for you, nor thanks for writing. Indeed!

P.S. It's 10 pm somewhere. Do you know where your sign is? I doubt it very much. 

Dear Readers: The Dog Parkist is no longer in a good humor today. She will retire to her chaise with a cool cloth over her eyes and think calming thoughts for the duration. It is a good idea, she thinks, if you hold off any further questioning until she regains her normal composure. Thank you. 

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